Joke of the issue

As he drove along the highway, a guy kept seeing billboards
with beautiful, tanned people and the words: Visit the
Garden of Hedon. His curiosity got the best of him and he
turned off the road at the entrance to the place a few
miles down the road. He went inside a building marked
"Registration" and saw an attractive woman sitting at a
desk.

"Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.

"It's quite simple," said the receptionist. "This is a nudist
camp. We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."

"Cool," said the guy, "count me in!" So he paid his membership
fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along
a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A
little further along he saw another sign which read the same
thing: "Beware of Gays."

He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which
had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read
the plaque and it said, "Sorry, you've had two warnings!"

__________________________________________________

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like
to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the
weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale;
it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was
over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there
before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where
to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.

By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her
home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd
it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

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A little girl goes into the barber shop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cupcake, while
her dad gets his haircut.

The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna
get hair on your muffin."

"I know," she replies, "I'm gonna get tits too."

A little girl goes into the barber shop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cupcake, while
her dad gets his haircut.

The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna
get hair on your muffin."

"I know," she replies, "I'm gonna get tits too."

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There is a knock on St. Peter's door. He looks out and a man is standing
there. St. Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears.
A short time later there's another knock. St. Peter gets the door, sees the
man, opens his mouth to speak, and the man disappears once again.
A few minutes later, another knock. Once again St. Peter opens the door and
sees the same man.
"Hey, are you playing games with me?" St. Peter calls after him.
"No," the man's distant voice replies anxiously. "They're trying to
resuscitate me."

__________________________________________________

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an
African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around the
penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the
weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the
shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "How about we
try the African string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his
penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our
little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you've grown to 12 inches??"

"No...it's turned black."

__________________________________________________

And now for some sad news...

A man was found murdered in his home over the weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his tub.
The tub had been filled with milk, and the deceased had a
banana protruding from his buttocks. Police suspect a cereal
killer.
_________________________________________________

The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that
they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President
decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest
and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the
forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After
three months of extensive investigation they conclude that
rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the
forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they
make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly
beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit!
I'm a rabbit!"

__________________________________________________

A Senior Citizens group chartered a bus
Brooklyn to Atlantic City.
As they entered New Jersey, An elderly woman
went up to the driver and said: " I've been molested!"
The Drive thought she was just being delusional and
told her to go sit back down.

10 minutes later, Another old woman goes up to
the bus driver and claimed she'd also just been "molested".

at this point the busdriver thinks he has a busload of
Wackos.. afterall, Who would molest them?

10 minutes go by and a 3rd woman goes to the bus driver
saying she's been molested, as well.

At this point the bus driver decided he'd had enough and pulls
into a rest area.
When he stood up , he saw an old man on his hands and knees
in the aisle.

The busdriver then yells: Hey, Gramps, what are you doing down
there? at which point the old man Replies

I lost my Toupee. thought i found it 3 times but everytime I
Tried to grab it.. the damn thing ran away..

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An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with
the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build
improvements.

After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning,
and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.

One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going
down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's
no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a
mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first
place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm
keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are
YOU going to get a lawyer?"

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A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife
"Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time
to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave
as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home now Mother
of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts
back... "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

__________________________________________________

Once upon a time there was a young redneck by the name of Jack.
Jack lived and worked on a farm with the farmer, the farmer's
wife and their daughter Mabel.

One fine day as Jack was attending to his daily chores he saw
Mabel bending over to milk the cow. He felt himself become
aroused for the first time and, shocked, ran to find the farmer
to explain this strange phenomena.

Upon finding the farmer he proceded to drop his trousers and
whip out his stiff trouser snake much to the horror of the
farmer.

"Farmer, farmer," Jack cried, "what is happening to my penis?"

"Now settle down and put that thing away." said the farmer.

"Don't worry about it. It happens to all men."

"But I don't like it!" cried Jack.

"Well then," said the farmer, "next time it happens just go
into the milk shed, get some cow shit and rub it on your dick.
It'll go down quick smart, trust me."

The next day Jack was passing by the house when he looked in
and saw the farmers wife having a shower. Feeling his member
getting hard he rushed into the cow shed, dropped his pants
and picked up two handfulls of shit. Just then Mabel walked
into the shed.

"What are you doing Jack?" asked Mabel.

"Well," Jack replied,"I'm gonna rub this shit on my dick to
make it go down."

"That would be a waste." Mabel said as she laid down on the
ground and lifted her skirt. "Why don't you stick it up here?"

So he did. Both handfulls.

__________________________________________________

The waitress was tired of this one biker always hitting on
her, so she came up with a plan.

"I'll tell ya what, stud. I'll have sex with ya on two
conditions. First, it'll cost ya 50 bucks. Second, you have
to guarantee me that bells will ring and lights will flash."

He smiled, handed her $50 and led her over to the pinball
machine.

__________________________________________________

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl
wakes up from surgery.

Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my
legs!

Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

__________________________________________________

If you really need to make yourself throw up, try sticking
one finger down your throat and another up your ass at the
same time.

If that doesn't work, try switching fingers!

__________________________________________________

Q: Why is having a good shit better than sex?

A: Because you don't have to kiss it afterwards.

__________________________________________________

Two hobos were walking along the railroad tracks when one
turned to the other and said, "You smell terrible. Did you shit
in your pants?"

"No" was the reply.

They continued a little ways and the first hobo said "I don't
believe you." He grabbed the other guy and pulled down his
pants and sure enough there was a big load there.

"Why did you lie to me?"

"I didn't lie. I thought you meant today."

__________________________________________________

A young couple got married, and in their family, it was
tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first
song. Well, this happened...but then they danced for the
second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song
came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the
legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled
off to jail.

In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what
happened.

"Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and
kicked the bride between the legs."

"That must have hurt," said the judge.

"No kidding," said the best man. "I broke three of my fingers."

__________________________________________________

Two women friends, incredibly drunk and walking home got caught
short. They were very near a graveyard and one of them
suggested they do their business behind a head stone or
something.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take
off her panties and use them, then throw them away. Her friend
however was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't
want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large
ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and
proceeded to wipe herself with that. They then made off for
home.

The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and
said "We'd better keep an eye on our wives you know, mine came
home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing" said the other "Mine came back with a card
stuck between her ass that said 'From all the lads at the fire
station. We'll never forget you'."

__________________________________________________

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road
drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's
a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these
here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and
finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it
on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under
the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys
been drinkin'?"

"No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."

__________________________________________________

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here
and help me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't
figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's
finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's
a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She
lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all
over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks
at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no
matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these
pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax.
Let's have a drink, then ..." he sighed, "let's put all these
Frosted Flakes back in the box."

__________________________________________________

A guy was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very
serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would
ever do it, he saw an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED
WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.

"Guaranteed? Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate,
he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight
loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers,
there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old
babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and
a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a
representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads,
"If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles
later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his
way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks
to himself, "I like the way this company does business!"

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same
thing happens.

On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find
he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He calls the company and orders
their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the
most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his
life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign
around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me."

He's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in
excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when
he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four
days, the same routine happens and much to his delight, on the
fifth day he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20
lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the
7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?", asks the representative on the phone. "This
is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it
he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but
pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,
"If I catch you, you're mine!

__________________________________________________

Two bananas are lying on a river bank when a turd comes
floating by. The turd looks over and says, "Hey! Come on in!
The water's fine!" One banana turns to the other banana and
says, "Do you believe that shit?"

__________________________________________________

Q: What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion?

A: Well, sometimes you get an onion with large ears and other
times you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

__________________________________________________

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She
holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows
what it is. No one raises their hand.

The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a
long neck?" Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a
giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students
holds up their hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What
animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says it
is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students
holds up their hand. "See the big antlers on this animal.
What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses.
"Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother
calls your father."

Johnny shouts out, "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."

__________________________________________________

Little Johnny brought a box wrapped with a red ribbon to
school, as a present for his teacher. He handed it to her.
She started to guess what was inside.

"Chocolates?" she asked.

"Nope."

"A Cake?"

Johnny shook his head no. Then the teacher noticed some
liquid dripping from the corner of the box. She caught a
few drops on her finger, put the finger in her mouth then
said, "Ah, I know-dill pickles."

"No," Johnny said, "it's a puppy."

__________________________________________________

Little Johnny comes home from school one day and tells his
mom he’s been in trouble for fighting. His mom kicks his
butt and sends him to his room to think about what he has
done wrong and to wait for his father to come home. The
old man comes home and goes up to see Johnny. He says to
Johnny, "What are you in here for boy?"

Johnny replies, "I got in a fight dad because I didn’t know
the difference between a cunt and a pussy."

Dad says, "Boy, tonight when mom goes to sleep, I’ll take
you up stair and show you."

It gets late and Johnny’s mother goes to bed. Dad and
Johnny wait twenty minutes and follow her upstairs to
where she is sleeping. Sure enough she is asleep in bed.

Johnny’s dad throws back the sheets and lifts mom’s night-
gown up revealing her privates. Johnny’s Dad says, "That,
my boy, is a pussy."

Johnny gets all excited and tries to touch it. His dad
screams, "DONT TOUCH IT-- you’ll wake the cunt up!"

__________________________________________________

Little Johnny's neighbor has just had a little boy. The only
problem is that the baby doesn't have any ears. Everyone who
comes to see the baby compliments the woman on it's looks,
but no one mentions the fact that it doesn't have any ears.

Suddenly, the Mother sees Little Johnny coming over from next
door. She becomes very worried because she thinks that he is
going to make fun of the baby.

When he enters the house, he compliments the baby on everything
without mentioning its' ears. Without warning, he says," He has
beautiful eyes... does he have 20/20 vision?"

So she thanks him and asks why. Finally he says, "Well, it's
a damn good thing because if he didn't, he wouldn't have damn
thing to hang his glasses on now would he?"

__________________________________________________

Where's my Wife?

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said,

"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple
of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours,

my wife appears out of nowhere "

__________________________________________________

A young couple were married and they were having sex all the
time during their honeymoon, but when the honeymoon was over
they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule.

So every day the husband would get home at 5 o'clock, and every
day they would go to bed at 5:15. In the door at 5, in the sack
at 5:15. This went on for months, never missing a day until
the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get
a flu shot.

The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three, and
these three germs were huddled together inside her body talking
over their survival plans.

One germ said, "I'm going to hide between two toes on her left
foot, I don't think the antibiotics will find me there."

A second exclaimed, "I am going to hide behind her right ear,
I don't think they'll find me there."

The last germ said, "I don't know about you guys, but when that
5:15 pulls out tonight, I'm gonna be on it!"

__________________________________________________

Q: How do you make Martha Stewart scream twice during sex?

A: Fuck her in the ass; then, wipe your cock on the pillow
case!

__________________________________________________

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her
mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and care-
fully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.

Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. She dashed out and
could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and threw
it into the suitcase.

After the wedding, the bride and groom entered their hotel
room. The groom was a little self-conscious, so he asked his
new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek
while he got ready for bed. While she was in the bathroom, the
bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had
thrown in there.

"Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!" she exclaimed.

Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"

__________________________________________________

Q: What do your boss and a slinky have in common?

A: It's fun to watch them tumble down the stairs.

__________________________________________________
A study at the University of Missouri shows that the type of
facial features that a woman finds attractive can differ,
depending upon where she is at in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If a woman is ovulating, she is attracted to men
with rugged and masculine features.

If she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be
attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a
bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

__________________________________________________

10 Reasons to be Gay
********************
1. You truly don't care who Julia Roberts is sleeping with.
2. You understand the difference between 43 brands of
imported vodka.
3. You can call anyone 'honey', including pets.
4. You know someone who definitely was in the emergency
room with Richard Gere and the gerbil.
5. You understand the immense importance of good lighting.
6. You can be at a crowded disco the size of two football
fields and still spot a toupee.
7. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and
truly mean her bathing suit.
8. You can explain the nuances between steady date,
boyfriend and lover.
9. You really have "been there, done that!"
10. Your women friends will tell you everything you want to
know about their boyfriends...and that means everything!

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Cartoonish type thingy of the issue: